I Whispered Your Name…

#napowrimo

Surprisingly, you left 
Here on gossamer 
Wings. 
For seven years 
I loved you.
For seven years 
You loved me. 
I soul cried your 
Name into the sky. 

Your spirit answered
And took a tiny
Piece of my heart. 
I did not know 
That little piece 
Still belonged 
To you. 
I spoke your name
Into the void. 
You heard me. 
Forgotten,
You will never
Be. 

I whispered 
Your name 
Into the wind.
You caught 
My tearful words
And released them 
Into the sky! 

I whispered 
Your name 
Into the void.
Memories rushed in.
Forgotten 
You will
Never be. 

Dull and Brown

Napowrimo 12

Little copper penny laying on the ground.

I see you, all dull and brown. 

You have lost your shiny sheen.

I wonder how many people have passed you by. 

Underestimating your value.

Underestimating your worth.

One of you may not seem like much,

But added up, you can be very much.

You could be the three in thirty three, or the nine in eighty nine.

I see you there, all dull and brown.

You have definitely lost your sheen. 

In my pocket you always go! 

My momma taught me well, 

Never pass up free dough.

See a penny, pick it up! 

All the day you’ll have good luck! 

Origin

Napowrimo day 11 : origin poem

I came from a place of wailing 
And crying behind ones’ eyes. 
A place of violence for the littlest of a child’s innocent sins. 
A place of broken treasures left in shards upon the floor. 
A place of ridicule and shattered dreams.
A place of kindness nullified. 

I came from a place where surprise and magic never lived. 
Where skin puffed from welts and imagined infractions.
Where survival meant being perfect and even that wasn’t enough. 
Where things were given and in the next breath taken away, by a most skilled Indian giver.

I came from a place where privacy was very null and void.
Letters, words and notes from friends…no thought was ever safe. 
A place where only the birthdays of others are remembered . 
A place where Christmas did not mean gifts. 
Sitting and watching others open gifts on birthdays and Christmas.
Trying hard to keep back tears and imagine that inexperienced joy. 

I came from a place where I had no self.
Where I was only an extension of you. 
It almost worked. 
It almost did. 
I came from a place where my eyes opened to the treatment of others.
They weren’t like me. 
They were wanted and loved. 

I COME from a tiny girl who vowed to find love one day.
Who nourished her own free spirit.
Who eventually found her way.
Away! 
Away from the evil she grew up with.
Away from the people who tried to steal her spirit and her life.

Today I have my own origin. 
I found the things I love and filled my life with them. 
I live for experiences.
I live for the moment. 
I live in the joy of simple things. 

I am in the sky. 
I am in the sun. 
I am in the moon with blue cheese shining bright.
I am the blue notes of jazz and the high, white notes of Bach. 
I am in tea and I float high in pink champagne bubbles.

Today I am from my own origin. 
Today I do what I want. 

List of Unsettling Things

Sei Shonagon list: napowrimo 9

An elderly woman reads the entire menu with her outside voice trying to decide what to order.

Seeing sad in the jazz, that is the music of my soul. 

A woman tries to talk with her coworker which results in unresponsiveness snd awkward silences.

Pouring out love on the undeserving.

A weird flutter of my heart seeing you after thirty years.

Waking up from a dream and thinking I’m still dreaming.

Wondering if life is just packed boxes filled with bubble wrap and memories.

Did they all die when the plane crashed and was anything that happened on the island real? #LOST 

Knowing that people who are supposed to love you,really don’t.

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

Silently living the life as a motherless child. 

My untethered eating raw rabbit while I eat lobster. 

The sadness of children who have clipped wings. 

The word ‘mother’ doesn’t make someone a good one. 

Teaching my child about racism to ensure her safety in this dark world.

Loss is something the innocent keenly carry. 

Love comes into our life and sometimes has to leave. 

Joy

Joy is in the breeze.
Gentle, wispy fingers touched by brine caress my cheeks as they pass by on their way to others who have journeyed through asphalt and sand to sit at the edge of the sea. 

Joy is in the wave.
Waves lap at my toes. Watery tendrils lap at the sand pulling and pushing golden kernels of soon to be sea glass with the regularity of the moon. Gentle tingling can turn into the crashing of white noise as the sea transforms from calm to wild. 

Joy is in the sun. 
When the earth winters and the sun is far, a few hot beams of light are sun-sent, like beckons in the icy dark. These rays of illumination light up a face chilled by frigid air. 

Joy is in the berry. 
Red, Shiraz, Merlot or Rose.
Cava, Brut or the finest champagnes! The intoxicating blend of sweet, dark berries and bubbles fill my glass with an instant celebration. 

Joy is in the sweetness.
Cocoa beans and hazelnuts are the guilty sin of the soul. Rich, brown chocolate warms the tongue as it melts to a liquid finish. Bumps of hazelnuts burst in nutty goodness against sharp and happy molars. 

Joy is in the music.
The cacophonous din of data swamp the mind with daily cobwebs. The blue notes of jazz and white chords of Bach cleanse the soul. Music soothes the bewildered me.

Joy is in the touch.
Firm fingers trace circles on flesh tight with tension. Oiled hands knead bread on shoulders knotted with hot cross buns. Knuckles meander down spines tightly coiled with springs. Relax. Release. Breathe. Skin and muscle yield to gentle hands. 

Napowrimo Day 7 : joy poem. Finally time to post it! 

The Mask #love #loss #void#storm #light #dark #POEMS #poetry #poet #identifyasapoet #amwriting #writerscommunity #WritingLife #amreading #love #matrixity #spilledink #words #blackpoets

If Only #napowrimo 6

If Only

~Matrixity 

If only I was conceived in love and not in the hot, backseat of a car in adultish excitement and desperation to leave home. 
If only god had chosen a mother who wanted me and put me in the womb of that woman. 
If only my painful crowning at birth had somehow made me adorable and wanted and cute. And loved.
If only the thoughts of mother had not been, “what is that thing? What is that alien child? Did that come out of me?”
If only I knew a mothers’ love, her gentle touch, her caring looks. Remembrances and wonderfully special gifts on special days and holidays.
If only I had a mother who actually knew ME and not just the definition of me. Daughter. What does that mean? 
If only I could somehow be a favorite and not the outcast child. Just once. Just for five minutes. Could she possibly hug me? Tragically, it will. never. be. 
If only I could catch your eye just once before you die. Maybe. Just maybe I could be your little girl. If only I could catch your eye, maybe you could love me. 
If only…

I stay too long #napowrimo 4

I stay too long.

I always do. 

I want to make 

It work.

I think…

If I do everything—

Absolutely everything 

Exactly right,

It will work.

I’ll will it to!

I’m not at fault.

I never am.

Yet, 

It never works.

I stay too long. 

I always do. 

Love cuts deep.
~Matrixity 

The Lune: Day 1 NaPoWriMo

  Well.  I missed posting on yesterday because I left my lune at work.  That was the first prompt for NaPoWriMo 2016.  Way to be late on day 1.  I worked today and took it out of the place I had it, to be sure I  took it home today.  I again left without it.  I will publish that later. Since there seems to be an overflow of muse juices recently, I will post another here.  I hope to make most of the 30 days of poetry.

What is a lune?  The lune is also known as the American Haiku. It was first created by the poet Robert Kelly (truly a great poet) and was a result of Kelly’s frustration with English haiku. After much experimentation, he settled on a 13-syllable, self-contained poem that has 5 syllables in the first line, 3 syllables in the second line and 5 syllable in the final line.  I have found that it can also be the 5, 3, 5 word count as well.  So here is my lune after seeing a past boyfriend after 30 years.

Love is bittersweet.

I looked back.

Wisen eyes see truth.

~~~

The things I see now,

I don’t like.

I missed that back then.

~~~

I don’t like him now.

We don’t  sync.

God!  We never did.

 

 

 

 

When The Gray Birds Fly

NaNoWriMo #6

The day was gray and filled with clouds.

Birds flew against the white sky like silver flecks in a snow globe.

They say flocking birds fly taking souls to heaven.

The birds told me I was not in time.

I glanced at the flocking birds as numbness encapsulated my soul.

Disbelief crept into my thoughts as time was not on my side.

The birds flew higher with your soul as the silent ambulance flashed by.

Just days before our eyes met for the final time.

I knew it would not be long as gray had infiltrated you from the inside.

Gray clutched my heart and squeezed.

I knew you only had a little time.

You lay there warm and I stoked your hair, your face, your  hand.

I felt good as your suffering was gone.

I felt good as you were at peace in so many ways.

Gray silence was left in your wake.

Silence and the need for me to be strong.

The gray birds spirited away but you came back in a gossamer veil.

Like Lazarus you were transformed.  A new body, a new smile, eternal life.

You, the You, you could not be in life.

The better you, the happy you, that you could only be in death.

I was so happy to see you and know that things are better on the other side.

Cha-click-bang. Cha-click-bang.  Such an odd sound to awaken to,

It was you with one last message for me

Cha-click-bang. Cha-click-bang.  You demanded I get up out of a deep sleep.

Cha-click-bang. Cha-click-bang! I obeyed and went straight to your room.

As I walked that demanding whisper faded as alertness moved in.

Words you never told me, I heard for the first time whispered softly beneath the words of a song.

“I will always love you.”

I knew it was you talking to me for the last time.

It’s been six years since the gray birds flew.

Six years since that last whisper from you.

It will be a long time till we meet again.

That day will be gray and filled with clouds.

It will be a day when the flocking birds fly; fly my soul right up to heaven.

Until that day Dad…goodbye.