I Whispered Your Name…

#napowrimo

Surprisingly, you left 
Here on gossamer 
Wings. 
For seven years 
I loved you.
For seven years 
You loved me. 
I soul cried your 
Name into the sky. 

Your spirit answered
And took a tiny
Piece of my heart. 
I did not know 
That little piece 
Still belonged 
To you. 
I spoke your name
Into the void. 
You heard me. 
Forgotten,
You will never
Be. 

I whispered 
Your name 
Into the wind.
You caught 
My tearful words
And released them 
Into the sky! 

I whispered 
Your name 
Into the void.
Memories rushed in.
Forgotten 
You will
Never be. 

Origin

Napowrimo day 11 : origin poem

I came from a place of wailing 
And crying behind ones’ eyes. 
A place of violence for the littlest of a child’s innocent sins. 
A place of broken treasures left in shards upon the floor. 
A place of ridicule and shattered dreams.
A place of kindness nullified. 

I came from a place where surprise and magic never lived. 
Where skin puffed from welts and imagined infractions.
Where survival meant being perfect and even that wasn’t enough. 
Where things were given and in the next breath taken away, by a most skilled Indian giver.

I came from a place where privacy was very null and void.
Letters, words and notes from friends…no thought was ever safe. 
A place where only the birthdays of others are remembered . 
A place where Christmas did not mean gifts. 
Sitting and watching others open gifts on birthdays and Christmas.
Trying hard to keep back tears and imagine that inexperienced joy. 

I came from a place where I had no self.
Where I was only an extension of you. 
It almost worked. 
It almost did. 
I came from a place where my eyes opened to the treatment of others.
They weren’t like me. 
They were wanted and loved. 

I COME from a tiny girl who vowed to find love one day.
Who nourished her own free spirit.
Who eventually found her way.
Away! 
Away from the evil she grew up with.
Away from the people who tried to steal her spirit and her life.

Today I have my own origin. 
I found the things I love and filled my life with them. 
I live for experiences.
I live for the moment. 
I live in the joy of simple things. 

I am in the sky. 
I am in the sun. 
I am in the moon with blue cheese shining bright.
I am the blue notes of jazz and the high, white notes of Bach. 
I am in tea and I float high in pink champagne bubbles.

Today I am from my own origin. 
Today I do what I want. 

List of Unsettling Things

Sei Shonagon list: napowrimo 9

An elderly woman reads the entire menu with her outside voice trying to decide what to order.

Seeing sad in the jazz, that is the music of my soul. 

A woman tries to talk with her coworker which results in unresponsiveness snd awkward silences.

Pouring out love on the undeserving.

A weird flutter of my heart seeing you after thirty years.

Waking up from a dream and thinking I’m still dreaming.

Wondering if life is just packed boxes filled with bubble wrap and memories.

Did they all die when the plane crashed and was anything that happened on the island real? #LOST 

Knowing that people who are supposed to love you,really don’t.

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

Silently living the life as a motherless child. 

My untethered eating raw rabbit while I eat lobster. 

The sadness of children who have clipped wings. 

The word ‘mother’ doesn’t make someone a good one. 

Teaching my child about racism to ensure her safety in this dark world.

Loss is something the innocent keenly carry. 

Love comes into our life and sometimes has to leave. 

Circling the Drain

Circling the Drain #napowrimo 8

The sun rises. The sun sets.
In between the usual happens.
The alarm startles us at five.
Time to do the shower shuck and jive.

Assorted wheels whirl us toward our mundane jobs.
Buses, subways, bikes and cars;
The wheels of all go round and round.

For eight hours we sit in a carpeted square box working for the man. He wants us to think outside the box, as worker drones buzzing around the corporate hive.

Five comes and we’re homeward bound.
Home to family. Home to old pizza.
Home to our friends, our cell phones.

We repeat this daily grind day after day.
Month after month.
Year after year.
We go this until a disruption of the flow.
Violence takes our safety.
Illness takes our wellness.
Death takes our lives.

As we lay cold and silent,
Soon to be under the shroud of white,
The doctor calls it.
The time is 9:15.
We have been circling the drain of death all this time.

Joy

Joy is in the breeze.
Gentle, wispy fingers touched by brine caress my cheeks as they pass by on their way to others who have journeyed through asphalt and sand to sit at the edge of the sea. 

Joy is in the wave.
Waves lap at my toes. Watery tendrils lap at the sand pulling and pushing golden kernels of soon to be sea glass with the regularity of the moon. Gentle tingling can turn into the crashing of white noise as the sea transforms from calm to wild. 

Joy is in the sun. 
When the earth winters and the sun is far, a few hot beams of light are sun-sent, like beckons in the icy dark. These rays of illumination light up a face chilled by frigid air. 

Joy is in the berry. 
Red, Shiraz, Merlot or Rose.
Cava, Brut or the finest champagnes! The intoxicating blend of sweet, dark berries and bubbles fill my glass with an instant celebration. 

Joy is in the sweetness.
Cocoa beans and hazelnuts are the guilty sin of the soul. Rich, brown chocolate warms the tongue as it melts to a liquid finish. Bumps of hazelnuts burst in nutty goodness against sharp and happy molars. 

Joy is in the music.
The cacophonous din of data swamp the mind with daily cobwebs. The blue notes of jazz and white chords of Bach cleanse the soul. Music soothes the bewildered me.

Joy is in the touch.
Firm fingers trace circles on flesh tight with tension. Oiled hands knead bread on shoulders knotted with hot cross buns. Knuckles meander down spines tightly coiled with springs. Relax. Release. Breathe. Skin and muscle yield to gentle hands. 

Napowrimo Day 7 : joy poem. Finally time to post it! 

Chaotic Cohesiveness #napowrimo

Chaotic Cohesiveness ~Matrixity 

The clock ticked.

The clock tocked. 

Time traversed as the sun

Tangoed on it’s daily dance

Across the heavens. 

I ran after the disjointed 

Fragments of my life,

Trying to gather them

Into some sort of 

Chaotic cohesiveness.

The glue held in some places 

And failed in others.

Dreams and expectations 

Spilled in a tumbling stream

To sunken places. 

I dove in.

Deep.

I’m trying to find me.

I’m still swimming. 

——

Life throws curves at us all the time. Never give up! #life #chaos #poem

If Only #napowrimo 6

If Only

~Matrixity 

If only I was conceived in love and not in the hot, backseat of a car in adultish excitement and desperation to leave home. 
If only god had chosen a mother who wanted me and put me in the womb of that woman. 
If only my painful crowning at birth had somehow made me adorable and wanted and cute. And loved.
If only the thoughts of mother had not been, “what is that thing? What is that alien child? Did that come out of me?”
If only I knew a mothers’ love, her gentle touch, her caring looks. Remembrances and wonderfully special gifts on special days and holidays.
If only I had a mother who actually knew ME and not just the definition of me. Daughter. What does that mean? 
If only I could somehow be a favorite and not the outcast child. Just once. Just for five minutes. Could she possibly hug me? Tragically, it will. never. be. 
If only I could catch your eye just once before you die. Maybe. Just maybe I could be your little girl. If only I could catch your eye, maybe you could love me. 
If only…

Cinnamon Tree Villanelle #napowrimo 5

Cinnamon tree, graceful and free We meet just once in a while. 
Where shall we meet again, in thunder, lightning or rain? 
The spice in your smile is magic to me.

Who wooed in haste, and means to wed at leisure?
I wear my heart upon my sleeve for daws to peck at. 
Cinnamon tree, graceful and free 
We meet just once in a while. 

The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief.
This is the short and the long of it. 
The spice in your smile is magic to me.

Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? 
How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man’s eyes.
Cinnamon tree, graceful and free 
We meet just once in a while. 

Good night, good night. Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow.
Who could refrain, 
That had a heart to love, and in that heart 
Courage to make love known?
Cinnamon tree, graceful and free 
We meet just once in a while. 
The spice in your smile is magic to me.

When the sky cries…. #napowrimo

When the sky cries,
Emotional floodgates release a torrent 
Of bitter, sour tears.
Cheyenne pepper tears flow
Red from violent words. 
Celery seeds leak from
Pale green, envious eyes.
Turmeric yellow tears run down
Cheeks hollow from 
Soul depleting pain. 
Star anise burst violently 
Forth from eyes swollen 
From a broken heart. 
Black licorice color 
The irises of the soulless.
Black-eyed people walk 
among us baiting life to bare 
It’s bitter flavors.
Pungent spices of life
Reside within us all. 
Coriander and garlic,
Paprika and onions.
All flow together in 
Fragrant streams
Under the torrent of the
Crying skies. 

I stay too long #napowrimo 4

I stay too long.

I always do. 

I want to make 

It work.

I think…

If I do everything—

Absolutely everything 

Exactly right,

It will work.

I’ll will it to!

I’m not at fault.

I never am.

Yet, 

It never works.

I stay too long. 

I always do. 

Love cuts deep.
~Matrixity