Category: childhood

I Whispered Your Name…


#napowrimo

Surprisingly, you left 
Here on gossamer 
Wings. 
For seven years 
I loved you.
For seven years 
You loved me. 
I soul cried your 
Name into the sky. 

Your spirit answered
And took a tiny
Piece of my heart. 
I did not know 
That little piece 
Still belonged 
To you. 
I spoke your name
Into the void. 
You heard me. 
Forgotten,
You will never
Be. 

I whispered 
Your name 
Into the wind.
You caught 
My tearful words
And released them 
Into the sky! 

I whispered 
Your name 
Into the void.
Memories rushed in.
Forgotten 
You will
Never be. 

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Origin

Napowrimo day 11 : origin poem


I came from a place of wailing 
And crying behind ones’ eyes. 
A place of violence for the littlest of a child’s innocent sins. 
A place of broken treasures left in shards upon the floor. 
A place of ridicule and shattered dreams.
A place of kindness nullified. 

I came from a place where surprise and magic never lived. 
Where skin puffed from welts and imagined infractions.
Where survival meant being perfect and even that wasn’t enough. 
Where things were given and in the next breath taken away, by a most skilled Indian giver.

I came from a place where privacy was very null and void.
Letters, words and notes from friends…no thought was ever safe. 
A place where only the birthdays of others are remembered . 
A place where Christmas did not mean gifts. 
Sitting and watching others open gifts on birthdays and Christmas.
Trying hard to keep back tears and imagine that inexperienced joy. 

I came from a place where I had no self.
Where I was only an extension of you. 
It almost worked. 
It almost did. 
I came from a place where my eyes opened to the treatment of others.
They weren’t like me. 
They were wanted and loved. 

I COME from a tiny girl who vowed to find love one day.
Who nourished her own free spirit.
Who eventually found her way.
Away! 
Away from the evil she grew up with.
Away from the people who tried to steal her spirit and her life.

Today I have my own origin. 
I found the things I love and filled my life with them. 
I live for experiences.
I live for the moment. 
I live in the joy of simple things. 

I am in the sky. 
I am in the sun. 
I am in the moon with blue cheese shining bright.
I am the blue notes of jazz and the high, white notes of Bach. 
I am in tea and I float high in pink champagne bubbles.

Today I am from my own origin. 
Today I do what I want. 

If Only #napowrimo 6

If Only

~Matrixity 

If only I was conceived in love and not in the hot, backseat of a car in adultish excitement and desperation to leave home. 
If only god had chosen a mother who wanted me and put me in the womb of that woman. 
If only my painful crowning at birth had somehow made me adorable and wanted and cute. And loved.
If only the thoughts of mother had not been, “what is that thing? What is that alien child? Did that come out of me?”
If only I knew a mothers’ love, her gentle touch, her caring looks. Remembrances and wonderfully special gifts on special days and holidays.
If only I had a mother who actually knew ME and not just the definition of me. Daughter. What does that mean? 
If only I could somehow be a favorite and not the outcast child. Just once. Just for five minutes. Could she possibly hug me? Tragically, it will. never. be. 
If only I could catch your eye just once before you die. Maybe. Just maybe I could be your little girl. If only I could catch your eye, maybe you could love me. 
If only…

Circus Life: NaPoWriMo 2

Circus Life #napowrimo Day 2

I lived at the circus as a little girl.
It was a circus of horrors.
In the fun house mirrors I saw others.
Never me.
Dark faces with reddened eyes,
Scowls and pinched angry faces.
Smiles widened into a grimace that held laughter, loud and cruel.

I looked in the fun house mirror but it was never me.
Me, I could only see out of the corner of my eye, 
in the lowest corner of the glass.
Small and scared but determined, was that face.
She did not appear often but she was hope.
Hope for the one day when those fun house mirrors would shatter
into a million silver shards.

The circus clown lived inside the fun house mirrors.
It drifted from dimension to dimension effortlessly.
It floated on fluid strands of gossamer evil,
unbreakable bonds that never tired.
Lashes of the dark tongue burnt grooves into my soul.
Lashes of the leather belt burnt welts into my wet skin.
My truths were considered lies with punishment swift and never missed.
Magical thinking kept insanity alive.

Oh, the fun we had on the circus rides.
The Ferris wheel twirled with speeds that made all a blur.
Whack-a-mole resulted in black and blue body puzzle pieces.
We ate cotton candy dreams and glass laced burgers.
Prizes were broken with precious memories shattered.  
Sleep was fleeting.  
The clown haunted us at night.

I lived at the circus as a little girl but I still hear the music now.
Tinny chords from the organ grinder come back to me in dreams.
Broken cries mixed with the sudden image of the fun house clown 
flash before my closed eyes.
In the bright sunlight none of those thing exist and I see only me in my mirrors. 
I don't look at the lowest corner of the mirror,
out of the corner of my eye.
I did that once and saw the face of the fun house clown.
It's waiting for that one chance to come back.
To come back into this world wielding a cloak of evil.

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For the Love of Egg Salad

Middle school. Most likely 6th grade. 1972.

I was making egg salad for lunch the next day. The time was about 7pm. I was very tired. I had put 2 eggs on to boil. My father was finishing up the dinner dishes at the sink. Mom was in their bedroom getting ready for work the next day.

All I know is that I am tired. So…so tired that I tell myself I will just go lie down on my bed and rest my eyes for just a minute. My father leaves the kitchen. I leave the kitchen table and collapse on my canopy bed just to rest my eyes. I will get up in just a few minutes and make my egg salad. Just a minute…

My eyes open to pitch blackness with a hand covering my mouth tighly so that I could not scream. It is my mother.

She is whispering. What I do not know. I just woke up and do not know what is going on. She whispers some more and will not remove her hand until I understand the whispers.

The whispers are orders… over and over again orders–to get up, to not speak, to tiptoe and come with her. I get up and follow her out my room into the hallway. There is my father with the shotgun aimed ahead of him. There is my brother as well. My mother places us in the correct order. She gets behind my father, I am behind her and my younger brother is behind me. We all tiptoe down the hall toward the kitchen.

I hear sounds now and we are all terrified. Sounds like someone is moving in the kitchen and looking for something. It was a burgler. Why else would my father have the shot gun and why else would the four of us be tip toeing in the pitch blackness toward the kitchen. Why did’nt my parents simply call the police? That was the only thing I could think. We were going to die or get shot with that gun or would have to fight for our lives.

We continued to tip. The sounds got louder. Popping sounds like a gun going off in the kitchen. We got to the entrance of the kitchen and my father fired that shotgun blindly into the night. I think my father fired all the bullets. I heard a click and no more firing from his gun.

We only heard silence from the kitchen. We all stood frozen in the hallway for what seemed like an eternity. We still only heard silence. My mother whispered for my father to turn on the light. He did. I was expecting to see dead bodies. There were no dead people in the kitchen.

The only thing of any great notice in the kitchen was just my pot sitting on the stove, black from heat. It was devoid of all water and had been for quite some time. It was also devoid of eggs. The burglar sounds we thought we heard was the sound of eggs exploding right out of their shells. They had burst wide open and yoke and egg white was strewn all over the cabinets and the floor.

My parents turned to look at me. My legs turned to jelly. My father had shot up the kitchen for the love of egg salad! I did not make egg salad again for a long time.